Worry Lines

I'm surprised I don't have more of them--worry lines. We have a 2 week lapse in health insurance, as I will now pick it up through my district. I've been having more heart palpitations, which causes more worry. I haven't had my echocardiogram for 2 years now. The 'what ifs' are setting in. I'm beginning to see things through the eyes of loss. Settling down to sleep, I glanced over at my dear husband. He was already peacefully asleep. I was seeing him through the eyes of worry; my heart ached thinking of being without him. I hate these feelings of fear.

Diminishing

They say your beauty diminishes as you age. I'm a little vain in this area. Having been an ugly duckling as a child, I don't want to experience that time in my life again. I see myself, not so gracefully, slipping into old age. I've been called "Ma'am" at the grocery store, and even "Sweetie" by younger folks. I use that word "folks" quite often. I've felt invisible out in public. Worst of all, when I've been very friendly, chatting away with a clerk (at the grocery, the only place I go-another indicator of age) I recognize that smile and polite nod, tolerating an old lady in her dotage.

Musing over Money

We are spending the weekend at our timeshare, relaxing at the end of Spring Break. We are waiting for the last paycheck, the first retirement paycheck, and the payout of sick days and vacation time for my husband. It is the in-between week of both of our paychecks, and still we headed out for this little get away. This morning I reminisced about our first years together. We would chase every timeshare offer, just to have a little vacation. One particular time we headed north to a timeshare in Sedona. It was a beautiful facility. We spent the night there enjoying a free dinner in their restaurant and received $50, which we used to pay for our gas to get back home. The dinner was fabulous, and as we sat there by the blazing fireplace, we watched huge snowflakes fall outside the floor to ceiling windows. We left home without a worry, so different from this worry fraught trip. Why do we let fear and worry creep into our lives as we age? I hope we can regain that same fearless and worry free love of life.

Feeling Old

My very good friend assures me that I'm not old, I'm 'just a baby'. She is 70 something to my 50 something. I don't quite believe her. It seems that feeling of getting old keeps showing up around every corner. I went to lunch with a friend yesterday. When I came out to the parking lot, I headed toward my car, key remote in hand. I walked up to the first white car in a line of 4, clicking the unlock button, only to realize it was not the right white car. I laughed about it. I've tried that before at WalMart. All laughing aside, those incidents add up. And they add to my feeling old. In this transition between my husband's last day of work and his first payout, we are holding our breath. I recently purchased a new cell phone during a sale promotion. There were transfer fees for each phone line that added up to a large amount on top of the monthly bill. It was supposed to be put on my credit card, but in the busyness of the promotion, they put it on my bill instead. When the phone bill arrived, I panicked. I called to straighten it out, only to be transferred back and forth to Customer Care and Financial Care. The third time around, and after several attempts to understand the payment terms they offered, I broke down in tears, crying my troubles to this stupid stranger from Siberia whose accent I couldn't understand. I had asked several times if I could just put the balance owed on my credit card, since that was my original intention and it was, after all, their mistake. The answer was "no". In the end, they allowed me to do just that, "Oh, you want to pay it with your credit card?" I don't know if it was the magic number (20th time I asked) or she finally understood English, but I finally got it resolved. If I wasn't feeling bad enough after that, my husband and I had a misunderstanding of words later that day. We went to the grocery and afterwards he asked if we should look at Staples for an ink cartridge for the printer or get it at WalMart. Staples was right next door to Fry's so we decided to go there. It was something about making only one stop. After several verbal exchanges and misunderstandings, he said, "You don't make any sense." That about sent me over the edge. I was thinking the same thing about him!

The Ultimate Fear

There are subconscious fears tied to retirement. The ultimate fear woke me in tears. I dreamed I lost me beloved husband. It's that 'one foot in the grave' fear. I know he's been worried about it too. He always says, "I'm not going to live long. I've been working around gas fumes most of my life. I have this constant cough. I could have a heart attack." We've heard of people that retired and died shortly after. How do you banish those fears?

Who's the Big Bad Wolf?

When you know who the enemy is, you can face your fear and plan your attack. I don't know who the Big Bad Wolf is. He seems to lurk behind every tree. Just when I think I have a handle on what to expect with retirement, something else to worry about pops up. Like, how do we pay the bills while all the paperwork for monies owed is processed? What if it takes so long that our bills become overdue? Late fees will bury us. We are hoping to pay things off with the lump sums coming in to make our daily living expenses easier to handle. My brother says you learn to tighten your belt. I'm not exactly skinny anymore, but we aren't extravagant people anyway. I tried the coupon queen route and saved a good amount, but nothing like they show on tv. Truth be told, I don't have that kind of time or space for hoarding. I have started a depression pantry (desperation pantry). I'll admit we probably spend money in areas we could cut back on. Financial advisers suggest keeping a log of your spending. That would be an eye opener I'm sure. We definitely could cut back on snacks, but that would take all the fun out of living. Well, I have been wanting to lose a few pounds. We could watch movies at home, make meals from scratch instead of packaged, drink water... Those Big Wigs in those Country Club prisons probably live better than all this.

Worries

I've been feeling depressed without really knowing why. I didn't recognize that his retirement was weighing on me. There are so many questions: How long will it take for his first check to arrive? Will he receive his sick pay in one lump sum, or will it come in 3 payments? How much will he lose in taxes on his Deferred Comp? He plans on taking 2 weeks off before going on to his next job. He really wanted to retire and be finished working. Our financial situation won't allow for that. We still have to pay off our house. Will he become depressed being at home? Will he not want to go back to work? Now the responsibility for health care falls to me. It will cost twice as much and take most of my paycheck. How will we manage? Will he pressure me to stay at my job longer than I can manage? I teach and tutor after school. I'm exhausted most days and have a hard time keeping up with all my responsibilities as a teacher.

There. I've named my fears. Hopefully that will help me get past them. Now I will try to look at the positive. And be thankful. I am thankful that I have a job. We are current on our bills. I have a sweet, loving (and handsome) husband. That is enough.